Talking to my Kids...

"Do you want to wear your coat or carry it?"

"Would you like water or milk?"

"I play with boys who don't cheat."

"Feel free to join us when you're done cleaning your room."

Each day my goals are simple; I want to talk to my children without anger or frustration, I want to provide guidance through enforceable statements and choices, I want to encourage them to make decisions and to be responsible for the decisions they make, I want my boys to feel safe and secure, and I want to have fun being their mom.


In the last three months of sports schedules and back-to-school, I could feel my habits with Love & Logic starting to slide.  I have practiced Love & Logic as a teacher and as a parent for  as long as I have been both.  It's the way I want to talk to my kids and the way I want to discipline.  But lately, I've been tired and run down...and the habits have started to slip.


My favorite Love & Logic strategies are Enforceable Statements and Choices and I use them  in daily conversation with my kids as often as possible.  Enforceable Statements work because I am telling the kids what I am going to do if their behavior continues.  The benefit is subtle corrections of behavior in a way that doesn’t make my kids feel like they are in trouble, just a reminder of the expectation.

“Do you want to wear your coat or carry it?”  My kids typically don’t argue about coats, I want to establish the fact that coats are going with them and they will be responsible for the coats.

"Do you want to do your homework now or in 30 minutes?"  I love giving my kids this choice, because they almost always choose to procrastinate.  In 30 minutes, when it's time to start, it's the time they chose...not the time that I chose :)  They may not be thrilled with starting homework, but they have less to argue with when the time was their choice.

 “I play with boys that don’t cheat.”  In my experience, playing with children also means teaching them how to play.  This enforceable statement is meant to be a reminder of how to play.  Most often the boys catch themselves, and we continue playing with no problem.  On the other hand, there is a clear expectation that I can enforce without engaging in a power struggle with the boys.  I can simply walk away from the game if they continue to cheat. (Or continue whatever it is that I don't want to contend with.)

This conversation helps to prevent power struggles.  It helps kids to know what the expectations are and decreases the chances of a temper tantrum.  This conversation allows us all to have more fun together... and I am resolved to bring this habit back into practice.


My current favorite..."I am not wearing black and white stripes today, so I can't referee this argument.  Would you like to play together respectfully or find something else to do alone?"

Bullies...

The media is full of stories of bullies and bullying lately.  I know that when I send my children off into the world, it's my fervent wish that the world will treat them well.  Sadly, that's not always the case.

I have had mixed feelings about some of the public response regarding the responsibilities of schools.  There are bullying situations that need the intervention of adults and, I agree,  schools and teachers do indeed have a responsibility to keep children safe.  However, I strongly believe that the primary responsibility for our children's safety begins at home. 

I need to be the first person to teach my children how to treat others.  I need to recognize that my attitudes and behavior will be a stronger teacher than my words, and treat others the way I expect my children to treat others.  I need to talk to them every day about how their words and behavior affect other people.  By calling attention to times they treat people with kindness and respect, I can reinforce that kind of behavior.  I need to know who my children's friends are and know their parents.  My children need to be supervised.

I can also help my children handle teasing.  I often refer to Love & Logic strategies in parenting and they have several resources that deal with teasing and bullying at different ages.  That link will take you to a great L & L article about teasing.  I talk with my kids about things they can say and responses to bullying or teasing situations. We practice so that when they need the skill, they know what to do.  This also helps them stand up for other kids.  I know there are extreme situations that require adult help and I am not talking about those.  There are so many opportunities for my kids to stand up for themselves with a cool look or a quick comeback...and all of these will lessen the chances of a more extreme situation.

Yes, I want the world to handle my children with kid gloves.  I want them to be super stars where ever they go and I want everyone to recognize their brilliance and wonderfulness!  That's not the world we live in though, and there are so many things I can do at home to prepare my kids for the real world...and then the real world may appreciate them more.